Catch Your Life

Great Relationships Are Not Given

Four lessons in creating meaningful connections

people holding hands
Photo by Joe Yates on Unsplash

I’m no Casanova.

I’ve had five relationships with women. All of them slowly fell apart, lasting from a few months to a few years.

At first, everything was great, but it ended painfully. Now, at 32, I understand why.

In my mind, I deserved a woman who supported and loved me. The world was bad and unfair for not giving me what I deserved. The women I met were part of this bad world. I was okay.

Eventually, I concluded that I needed a better woman.

This is the key I’m talking about today: 

Great relationships are not given or found, they are built.

Instead of searching for the perfect partner, I focus on becoming one.

Until now, I never tried. The fear of rejection stifled my thoughts about opening up, like a guardian safeguarding me from failure, but killing me in the process. Whenever I shared something I expected the other side to use it against me.

Here are four lessons I learned from past relationship failures. Now, I find calm and satisfaction in the time we share — whether it’s a walk or cleaning the flat. Without waiting for anything more.

The risk of opening up seems small compared to what I get in return.

1. Decisions and Responsibility

The key lesson is that I need to decide what I want.

For me improving relationships meant looking for a different one. When something went wrong, I started blaming the other side. All because I hadn’t decided who my chosen one should be. I wanted the best, so I was picky. 

But the art lies in the opposite.

Instead of wanting more, I decide on one woman. She becomes my “more.”

Before, I didn’t know how to tell which woman was “the one.” I thought choosing a partner was like choosing a car. You compare character traits and looks, and you’re done. Now I know it’s the one I choose. 

The moment I decided to build one relationship, all my work and energy served to strengthen it. I can fix mistakes because no other relationship is waiting for me. There is no back door. 

Having no easy way out facilitates commitment.

Because life with another person means many days, and some will be tough.

2. Nothing is Perfect

Another lesson is understanding that perfection in a relationship is a myth.

Today I woke up grumpy. The dog’s barking irritates me. I’m hungry, it’s hot, and I don’t feel like working. The idea of leaving the house overwhelms me. Because I didn’t sleep well.

Since lack of sleep can lower my mood on a random day, I can’t expect the relationship to always be wonderful. There will be sunny days and rainy days. Sometimes there will be hail. And sometimes I’ll hear that I’m not trying hard enough.

A relationship is more complicated than a single day of life.

Expecting a relationship to be perfect is a recipe for suffering. I know it won’t be perfect. That’s life. But I still thought it might be and that’s how it should be.

It’s not a way to a happy life.

By accepting that a few out of a thousand things will be difficult, I lighten the load of worrying about them happening. This allows me to focus on making the most of each moment instead.

Knowing that perfection doesn’t exist gives me the chance to enjoy our relationship as it is. Without looking back at what was and without jumping into the future to escape the now. I experience exactly what we’ve created. 

The reward is the opportunity to work on our relationship. 

3. Discipline

Before I met my woman, I thought relationships were given.

You know, you go through life and suddenly meet “the one.” This approach made my relationships fall apart. If it fails I should keep looking. I lacked the discipline to keep the fire burning. I was putting it out with my attitude.

In relationships, discipline means remembering that we can work on them.

Just like in learning, every repetition makes you better at the material. In relationships, every resolved conflict strengthens the relationship. With each obstacle you overcome, you grow closer together. 

Every understanding of the other person’s needs, hidden behind a comment about the open cabinet, makes them feel seen and understood. By working on myself, I improve communication in our relationship.

This is the opposite of the approach in my previous attempts. I kept looking rather than figuring out how to enjoy what I had. And in return, I got the same — no interest in my needs.

Discipline in building a relationship allowed me to stay in the game longer. I understood that my partner had her own needs. The best way to get her to listen to mine is to get to know hers.

4. A Simple Thought That Knocked Me Over

A revelation I had recently.

Sometimes I worry about what people I meet once in my life think of me. This way, I waste energy. Because there’s one person I will spend the rest of my life with. Working on this relationship will have the biggest impact on my life.

Nothing else will affect my life like my relationship with my woman.

The explanation is simple. I will spend most of the time with her. Not at work, not with my friends, or my parents. With my partner.

With this new clarity, I stopped stressing about others.

I didn’t greet someone I know, and now feel embarrassed? Too bad, next time I’ll try to handle it better. Is it worth worrying about a week later? No, because there’s no benefit from it.

But, treating my partner with respect, listening when she needs it, or hugging her when her world is falling apart brings benefits.

For many people, this is obvious. 

They feel the most important person is the one you spend your life with. For me, it was a mental discovery. Thanks to a chart showing the time spent with others as you age, I understood what was obvious to others.

charts shows hours we spend with different people on average as we age
The chart shows the time spent with others and yourself as you age. https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/time-spent-with-relationships-by-age-us

The only relationship that competes with a lifelong partner is the relationship with myself.

I chose to invest my energy into our relationship because it brings rewards, both now and in the future. 

How Do I Use This in Practice?

My goal was to have a great relationship.

But this time, instead of seeking a new partner, I focused on addressing existing problems. 

Here is how I use what I talked about in this article to build a relationship that becomes stronger with time, and not weaker.

Decisions

“My chosen one” — perfectly describes who my partner is to me.

She is my choice. I don’t think it was conscious from the start. First, my unconsciousness chose, and “I” followed. This alignment enabled me to go further than ever. 

But how to approach deciding in a relationship this way?

My path helped me realize the initial choice was irrational. I didn’t weigh the pros and cons of the relationship. I felt good living it and wanted more. Accepting this was necessary for the next step.

Which was consciously accepting the fact of the already-made decision.

I could endlessly consider whether it was truly the right one, but then I couldn’t work on improving the relationship. So I accepted the signals from my body telling me she was the one, and she became so for my conscious mind too.

Responsibility

The cherry on top is responsibility.

When I hurt my beloved with a judging tone, instead of blaming her, I focus on myself. Even if I think she was at fault, I know some responsibility falls on me. Pointing out her mistakes rarely gives the right results, but working on my behavior gives them often.

What does it look like?
Recently, we were watching a show, and I commented on a female character’s behavior as stupid.

In response, I heard all the women in this show annoy me. Unfortunately, I agreed with my partner because that was true. Their behavior was destructive for them and the people around them. The thing is, by focusing on who is right, I missed the effect I caused. My partner felt hurt.

Was it justified?

Here we get to the key point: My task is not to analyze whether she was justified in feeling hurt. That’s like denying her the right to feel what she feels. I would feel differently, but I wasn’t talking to myself.

What is my task?

To know what I’m doing by making these comments. Besides making watching difficult, I’m also expressing my anger through verbal aggression. My partner senses it and takes a defensive stance.

The best I can do to improve our relationship is to work on myself and take responsibility for my feelings. I try to work on my side of the equation, not judge or teach my partner.

Which regularly happens and never works as I would like.

Letting Go of Perfection

I don’t break down when I fail.

I know I’m not perfect. I’ll toss the blame on her again. But eventually, I’ll correct my course.

Beating myself up for making a mistake delays the moment I fix it. Taking responsibility for mistakes is not about self-pity, but trying to correct them. Nowhere along the way do I have an obligation to feel guilty. Perfection is a myth.

Remembering this is key to making more attempts.

The fear of failure is smaller, so it’s easier for me to try. If I stumble, I’ll get up and try again. With more attempts, I increase my chances of success. 

I help luck, by doing my part.

Great Relationships Are Not Given

Four lessons in creating meaningful connections

people holding hands
Photo by Joe Yates on Unsplash

I’m no Casanova.

I’ve had five relationships with women. All of them slowly fell apart, lasting from a few months to a few years.

At first, everything was great, but it ended painfully. Now, at 32, I understand why.

In my mind, I deserved a woman who supported and loved me. The world was bad and unfair for not giving me what I deserved. The women I met were part of this bad world. I was okay.

Eventually, I concluded that I needed a better woman.

This is the key I’m talking about today: 

Great relationships are not given or found, they are built.

Instead of searching for the perfect partner, I focus on becoming one.

Until now, I never tried. The fear of rejection stifled my thoughts about opening up, like a guardian safeguarding me from failure, but killing me in the process. Whenever I shared something I expected the other side to use it against me.

Here are four lessons I learned from past relationship failures. Now, I find calm and satisfaction in the time we share — whether it’s a walk or cleaning the flat. Without waiting for anything more.

The risk of opening up seems small compared to what I get in return.

1. Decisions and Responsibility

The key lesson is that I need to decide what I want.

For me improving relationships meant looking for a different one. When something went wrong, I started blaming the other side. All because I hadn’t decided who my chosen one should be. I wanted the best, so I was picky. 

But the art lies in the opposite.

Instead of wanting more, I decide on one woman. She becomes my “more.”

Before, I didn’t know how to tell which woman was “the one.” I thought choosing a partner was like choosing a car. You compare character traits and looks, and you’re done. Now I know it’s the one I choose. 

The moment I decided to build one relationship, all my work and energy served to strengthen it. I can fix mistakes because no other relationship is waiting for me. There is no back door. 

Having no easy way out facilitates commitment.

Because life with another person means many days, and some will be tough.

2. Nothing is Perfect

Another lesson is understanding that perfection in a relationship is a myth.

Today I woke up grumpy. The dog’s barking irritates me. I’m hungry, it’s hot, and I don’t feel like working. The idea of leaving the house overwhelms me. Because I didn’t sleep well.

Since lack of sleep can lower my mood on a random day, I can’t expect the relationship to always be wonderful. There will be sunny days and rainy days. Sometimes there will be hail. And sometimes I’ll hear that I’m not trying hard enough.

A relationship is more complicated than a single day of life.

Expecting a relationship to be perfect is a recipe for suffering. I know it won’t be perfect. That’s life. But I still thought it might be and that’s how it should be.

It’s not a way to a happy life.

By accepting that a few out of a thousand things will be difficult, I lighten the load of worrying about them happening. This allows me to focus on making the most of each moment instead.

Knowing that perfection doesn’t exist gives me the chance to enjoy our relationship as it is. Without looking back at what was and without jumping into the future to escape the now. I experience exactly what we’ve created. 

The reward is the opportunity to work on our relationship. 

3. Discipline

Before I met my woman, I thought relationships were given.

You know, you go through life and suddenly meet “the one.” This approach made my relationships fall apart. If it fails I should keep looking. I lacked the discipline to keep the fire burning. I was putting it out with my attitude.

In relationships, discipline means remembering that we can work on them.

Just like in learning, every repetition makes you better at the material. In relationships, every resolved conflict strengthens the relationship. With each obstacle you overcome, you grow closer together. 

Every understanding of the other person’s needs, hidden behind a comment about the open cabinet, makes them feel seen and understood. By working on myself, I improve communication in our relationship.

This is the opposite of the approach in my previous attempts. I kept looking rather than figuring out how to enjoy what I had. And in return, I got the same — no interest in my needs.

Discipline in building a relationship allowed me to stay in the game longer. I understood that my partner had her own needs. The best way to get her to listen to mine is to get to know hers.

4. A Simple Thought That Knocked Me Over

A revelation I had recently.

Sometimes I worry about what people I meet once in my life think of me. This way, I waste energy. Because there’s one person I will spend the rest of my life with. Working on this relationship will have the biggest impact on my life.

Nothing else will affect my life like my relationship with my woman.

The explanation is simple. I will spend most of the time with her. Not at work, not with my friends, or my parents. With my partner.

With this new clarity, I stopped stressing about others.

I didn’t greet someone I know, and now feel embarrassed? Too bad, next time I’ll try to handle it better. Is it worth worrying about a week later? No, because there’s no benefit from it.

But, treating my partner with respect, listening when she needs it, or hugging her when her world is falling apart brings benefits.

For many people, this is obvious. 

They feel the most important person is the one you spend your life with. For me, it was a mental discovery. Thanks to a chart showing the time spent with others as you age, I understood what was obvious to others.

charts shows hours we spend with different people on average as we age
The chart shows the time spent with others and yourself as you age. https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/time-spent-with-relationships-by-age-us

The only relationship that competes with a lifelong partner is the relationship with myself.

I chose to invest my energy into our relationship because it brings rewards, both now and in the future. 

How Do I Use This in Practice?

My goal was to have a great relationship.

But this time, instead of seeking a new partner, I focused on addressing existing problems. 

Here is how I use what I talked about in this article to build a relationship that becomes stronger with time, and not weaker.

Decisions

“My chosen one” — perfectly describes who my partner is to me.

She is my choice. I don’t think it was conscious from the start. First, my unconsciousness chose, and “I” followed. This alignment enabled me to go further than ever. 

But how to approach deciding in a relationship this way?

My path helped me realize the initial choice was irrational. I didn’t weigh the pros and cons of the relationship. I felt good living it and wanted more. Accepting this was necessary for the next step.

Which was consciously accepting the fact of the already-made decision.

I could endlessly consider whether it was truly the right one, but then I couldn’t work on improving the relationship. So I accepted the signals from my body telling me she was the one, and she became so for my conscious mind too.

Responsibility

The cherry on top is responsibility.

When I hurt my beloved with a judging tone, instead of blaming her, I focus on myself. Even if I think she was at fault, I know some responsibility falls on me. Pointing out her mistakes rarely gives the right results, but working on my behavior gives them often.

What does it look like?
Recently, we were watching a show, and I commented on a female character’s behavior as stupid.

In response, I heard all the women in this show annoy me. Unfortunately, I agreed with my partner because that was true. Their behavior was destructive for them and the people around them. The thing is, by focusing on who is right, I missed the effect I caused. My partner felt hurt.

Was it justified?

Here we get to the key point: My task is not to analyze whether she was justified in feeling hurt. That’s like denying her the right to feel what she feels. I would feel differently, but I wasn’t talking to myself.

What is my task?

To know what I’m doing by making these comments. Besides making watching difficult, I’m also expressing my anger through verbal aggression. My partner senses it and takes a defensive stance.

The best I can do to improve our relationship is to work on myself and take responsibility for my feelings. I try to work on my side of the equation, not judge or teach my partner.

Which regularly happens and never works as I would like.

Letting Go of Perfection

I don’t break down when I fail.

I know I’m not perfect. I’ll toss the blame on her again. But eventually, I’ll correct my course.

Beating myself up for making a mistake delays the moment I fix it. Taking responsibility for mistakes is not about self-pity, but trying to correct them. Nowhere along the way do I have an obligation to feel guilty. Perfection is a myth.

Remembering this is key to making more attempts.

The fear of failure is smaller, so it’s easier for me to try. If I stumble, I’ll get up and try again. With more attempts, I increase my chances of success. 

I help luck, by doing my part.

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